How to Win Any Election in America

Velcro on your campaign shoes and let’s run.

I used to joke with my coworkers that I was going to run for office. My campaign slogan would be uncomplicated and direct, “You need more money.”

I would go into the working class parts of town and give them my stump speech which would consist of this: “Are you working class? What you need is more money. When elected my sole purpose will be to get you more money. Any bill that comes to vote, if it doesn’t have in it a clause that gives you more money, I won’t vote for it.”

You can see how easily one could adapt this message for various campaign audiences. If the rally was at a cop station you could say, “Are you a cop? What you need is more money.” Military base? “Are you in the military? What you need is more money.”

Are you a doctor, nurse, realtor, bartender, a member of rotary? “What you need is more money.”

Let’s forget the pretenses at this late stage of socialism and go all in with the words that will work
Be direct. Don’t say, “We’ll pay more in food stamps, welfare, retirement benefits, health insurance, etc.” Instead say, “I don’t care if you buy food or booze, set up a retirement plan, or buy insurance with it. I’m going to send you more money. If health insurance goes up that’s no problem, we’ll just send you more money.”

To all prospective candidates, if you want to win an election, just come on out and say it, and please the hearts of the people. They will clamor for you. “You need more money, and I’m going to give it to you.”

Why this will work
Americans are concerned about one thing – getting more money. The entire society has been set up so that money is the highest ideal, the greatest goal. Art, decency, joy, quality of life, civilization itself is pale before the grubbing for money. From the lowest panhandler to the richest man every American wants to achieve one thing – acquire more money.

What started as a fun joke with my coworkers has, as we advance into this enlightened modern age, become reality.

So hopeful politicians, as you campaign for the lowest county clerk to the highest office of the presidency and stand on the roadside waving to the passing motorists, hold up a sign that reads in simple, bold letters, “You Need More Money!”

Landslide victory awaits.

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